Lifelong Debt?

Feminism isn't something as easy to understand and practice as it sounds. Those who think it only means demeaning men are hard to be reasoned with anyway. But I'm not going to talk about their kind. Not today, anyway.

We often say we want to empower women, let's educate them, let's fight against the dowry system. But how far can we go to actually bring about a change? Can we keep hold of our urge to gloat? Can we change how Punjabis have started to be perceived these days?

Festivals and Traditions

Let me begin by saying that festivals in Punjab these days have turned out to be nothing more than ways of exchanging gifts. On Raksha Bandhan, a brother is supposed to give something to his sister. On Diwali, people have now started exchanging gifts with neighbors, colleagues, and family members. At other festivals also, this trend has started to take hold. I find this strange, somehow. There are people we rarely talk to all year long but are supposed to share gifts with. That too half-heartedly.

But there's another issue lingering around, not being acknowledged well enough.

My mother-in-law recently told me that elders are supposed to give money and gifts to all the family members of a married woman, at every festival. And look at the number of festivals we have. Now that's a little unfair. Isn't it?

And this tradition isn't reserved only for festivals. My mother-in-law has been giving away free stuff to the married ladies of our family for years now, every time they visit. And when these women bear children, the money to be spent on them doubles.

All this is when many of them are self-reliant, working women. This raises certain questions in mind:

Why have such traditions taken hold of us?

What can we do to stop all this?

As a married woman myself, I've had to time and again stop my parents from getting into all these formalities, before they actually stopped trying. My in-laws, thankfully, have also remained against accepting gifts from the bride's side for years. But is everyone as privileged as that? After all, for such a dynamic to work, both your parents and in-laws have got to be on the same page. But so do you.

Why is it so difficult to achieve?

Is there something seriously lacking in our society?

Have we never realized what the repercussions of all these gift-exchange ceremonies are, not only on a woman's in-laws but also on her own mind?

My mother tells me of old times when women were supposed to be housewives. They would roam around happily in mismatching, cheap clothes; heavy, expensive suits, and jewelry being kept aside for their wedding. A tradition was developed of buying clothes in odd numbers, say 7, 9, or 11 heavy suits. Sewing machines, refrigerators, etc. were also given to help women with the chores. And since they were not supposed to earn, parents would go meet them every now and then, mostly at festivals, giving away gifts. It was to ensure their daughters had enough to survive.

What's different today is that it isn't the story of every house today. But even in houses where dowry isn't asked for, hefty loans are taken, large amounts of money are spent, and many expensive gifts are given. It's then more like you can't ask us to spend money. We'll do it anyway.

Now while many women start earning after studies, and many are free to find a husband on their own, they aren't encouraged to spend a penny on their own wedding.

Many of them ask for fairy-tale weddings, expensive clothes, pre-wedding shoots, and whatnot. Nothing is paid for by them. Also, trends change so soon these days. There's no point buying 15 heavy suits when you can't wear them all at once. There are only enough occasions you'll be able to wear them.

But many women don't bother about all that. All they see is an opportunity to take as much as they can before leaving the house.

But whose fault is that really? For some people, it's about personal pride. They'll handle a lifetime of debt on their heads in order to look good for a day in society. This definitely has a ripple effect, especially in times of social media. Movies also teach us that only. The grander the better. In the era of celebrity replica lehngas, not going crazy is difficult as it is.

Is it Unfair?

Yes, it is.

A woman I know of bought only expensive suits before her wedding. She also got them all stitched up in one go. After her marriage, she'd realized she should've bought normal, everyday-wear cotton suits. She'd also cried when she gained weight and those very expensive suits stopped serving any purpose. Another one bought insanely expensive sarees for her wedding but they hardly left her trunk all her life. One of them spent a considerable amount of money on buying all kinds of makeup products. Those products I never saw her use in her entire life.

The question then arises as to why were they not asked to stop spending money mindlessly. Because one cannot.

I've seen women complaining about what didn't happen right at their wedding. In fact, there's nobody I know of who doesn't complain about at least one thing going wrong in those few days.

So the answer is simple. If you stop them from living their dream, then you're going to be a villain in that story for the rest of their lives.

But money doesn't grow on trees.

It isn't half as easy to earn money as it is to spend it.

Bollywood movies are going to continue calling Punjabi weddings synonymous with big-fat Indian weddings.

In the Name of Studies

This kind of unfair spending, however, isn't confined only to weddings. There are other ways. Let me give you an example. A woman I know of lost her father at an early age. Her elder brother left his studies, and started working, but decided his sisters should continue with their studies. One of the sisters studied well, got a high-paid job, got married, and moved out. The other one kept on collecting random degrees, instead of specializing in one field. While she too could have got a good job, she busied herself wasting her brother's hard-earned money, in the end being unable to get a better job in any of her chosen fields whatsoever. Why? Because she knew something about everything but not everything about something. Both the sisters are married today while the brother grapples with worries on how to pay off the loans.

Spending recklessly on studies is also another kind of fun for some. Many don't even get a job. Collecting degrees is just a hobby for them. The focus isn't on learning. But men aren't supposed to do that. They're expected to be responsible. They're taught nobody is going to marry them if they aren't settled in life by the time they're 27 or so.

Such rules don't apply to women.

And I'm not against studies. It's just that one has to have some sense of responsibility. Burdens need to be shared. People need to be sensible in general. Earn, get money, and spend it on studying further. Why be a burden on someone else all your life?

However, it's not even like everyone has a choice every time. There were women in my group who were forced to do masters in English because their parents believed that would help them get better husbands later in life. Some also force their daughters and potential daughters-in-law to clear IELTS, even if the pressure of it takes a toll on them.

Competition

For some women, however, life is all about competition. A woman I know of doesn't directly demand stuff. She keeps saying how her friends get fancy stuff from their family members on occasion, how their husbands buy them expensive gifts; all the time disregarding any efforts made by her own loved ones to keep her happy.

She has a good job. And yet, she demands gifts, while posting "I pay for my own coffee" on social media. How cool do you think that is?

It's greed. It's never supposed to go away on its own.

You either make efforts to break free or succumb to it.

This half-hearted feminism is not going to help.

I know you'd say times have changed. They haven't for all. I say this now because I've seen enough people still standing with one foot on each boat. It's not helping anyone.

There're women I know of who earned money and spent every penny on their weddings, themselves. There're women I know of who chose to have simpler weddings, save money, and use the saved funds on something worthwhile. There are people I know of who earn well and take good care of not only their in-laws but their parents as well throughout their lives.

If you want equal rights, keep every card on the table and then talk. If you can't, stop pretending like you've aced the game.

Also read: Is arranged marriage nothing but a scam?