The Complicated Concept of God

People these days have gotten way too touchy over the concept of God. But growing up, I had always felt people my age were more skeptical of this term rather than being firm believers. Eventually, even I began to reconsider my beliefs. Of course, it happened because of a range of other events too that followed. It took me quite some time, however, to reach a proper take on this. I've been sitting over this article for weeks and wasn't really sure if I should go actually about it or how. But here, let me try now.

My intention, in writing this, is not to hurt the sentiments of anyone at any point. So I would suggest you do not take anything personally.

To begin with, exactly how do you think the concept of God came into being?

A popular perception is that people in ancient times used to worship fire, rain, and everything new that brought them a fortune. They used to consider them sacred and feared their wrath as well. They would pray to them for prosperity and forgiveness. One would think then that with education and scientific discoveries one must have stopped worshipping the unknown by now. But a story on this in my Punjabi textbook in school long ago still rings a bell. I don't even remember now who the author was but he made a fair point when he said that people's fears have multiplied now than before and hence they have started clinging on more to God rather than leaving them all behind. As humans, we are continuously searching for hope. And the prospect of someone sitting up there, taking care of us gives us all the hope we wish to have in life.

If something good happens, we thank God. If something goes wrong, we seek forgiveness. We even get mad at God for taking away the things we love every once in a while because apart from hope, we also constantly need someone to lay all the blame on. And when it seems like we cannot take the pain anymore, our minds try to find the good that came out of that situation. That is because we wish to believe that the one sitting up there actually loves us and is always on our side, no matter what. It sounds ridiculous sometimes but then we are ridiculous beings whose survival instincts get the better of them every time. We cannot lose ourselves and crumble even for those who were once everything to us. We always love ourselves a little more. Even if we tell ourselves every single day we would die in the absence of a certain someone, we always manage to survive in the end.

When my nephew passed away, everyone had told me he already had a major heart deformity and even if he had survived, he would have been in so much pain. They told me God had shown mercy over the little one and taken him out of the pain he was in. God is the supreme protector, after all. But my question was that if He was actually the savior, why did He not save his life by not giving him that deadly disease to fight in the first place? I never argued with anyone over this though. I just decided to keep my anger over God to myself and silently sulked for years to come. I had only made a decision not to ask for anything ever again from Him since I realized praying did nothing, let alone shower God with gifts. Even if someone like God did exist, He did what He felt like doing anyway.

A few years later, however, when my father died, I was the one telling others the same things I had previously got mad about. Things like he had been in pain for far too long now and deserved peace. He had been battling with the disease for more than eight years, had got numerous injections, ate more medicines than food on a daily basis, and had a bigger pile of test reports and consultation documents in his closet than clothes. The last time I had tried to converse with him was when he was in ICU. I had tried to tell him we all were there for him, that we were around. He was in a lot of pain, and hell scared. I could see that on his face. My mother and I had been secretly wishing for him to either get totally well, which was unlikely at this point, or for 'God to take care of him' and rid him of his misery. We didn't want to see him on permanent dialysis for the rest of his life. It would have been the opposite of living and as painful for him as it would have been for us. But the only difference between my prayers and that of my mom was that she was actually praying to her God and I wasn't. I was just numb and trying to shut down every vague, involuntary thought that was entering my mind.

Even now when we are grappling with COVID-19 laced world and the constant fear it has brought into our lives, I'm secretly glad he is not there to deal with it. I'm glad he doesn't have to worry about going for regular checkups during these testing times. I'm glad I don't have to see him locked up in his house, alone and afraid in this depressing atmosphere, watching those scary unverified videos on a loop. I'm glad I got to give him a proper farewell in the presence of everyone he cared about without the worries of increasing the headcount beyond the advisable number. I don't know if that makes me a terrible daughter but the ridiculous me keeps looking for the silver lining to keep living on.

I look back on my younger self and realize how dumb she was to think all this happened with other people and that her life was normal. My father was supposed to grow really old and annoy me with his crazy habits every time I visited him. My nephew was to be a fan of his aunt and I was to spoil him with cool gifts I kept on collecting out of habit. But things had started crumbling long before I thought they did. I only had been just too distracted to look.

I don't know what God did or did not do to let that happen in the first place but I do know the people who were largely responsible for all the worries in my dad's life. And hence, the other thing I do believe in, even though I don't want to, is Karma.

Part of me wants to be a better person and let go while the other half wants to see the culprits pay for not letting him live in peace, for constantly creating trouble in the life of a super honest, God-fearing person as he was.

Even when I say I am not a vengeful person, the idea of Karma is always at the back of my head when I see them. It's nothing but revenge in traditional clothing though. It's like hoping for God to get the job done without blaming me for it.

But that's not all that we hope against hopes when we lose a loved one. Another thing that we keep imagining is that those who are lost still watch over us from up above. Our mind also keeps playing tricks and they keep appearing in our dreams to validate our delusional beliefs.

However, lately, another thought has started hovering in my mind. The other day I was listening to a shabad being played on my mobile phone about the reverence of the Almighty. And I asked myself if God was so perfect, why He needed people to sing praises of him on a daily basis. But then it is highly likely that many of these praises are written by mortals and not the gods. Who is to say?

The thing is, even if I go by my atheist friends and deny that there is a God out there, the truth remains that we humans are always a little too keen on bickering about one thing or the other when together. We constantly complain or bitch about people or things we do not like, thus filling our minds with negative thoughts all the time. Also, dwelling on the wrongs people did to us creates a lot of pressure on our minds, and that wrecks our health in more ways than one.

By praising someone instead of complaining, we can rather channel our energies on something positive instead. Doing that for humans is not a very great idea since that only pumps up their vanity and creates further issues. This can also either lead to the person being called a sycophant or outright bootlicker, hungry of gaining favors. Some also end up singing carols for actors, politicians, or sportspersons, immortalizing them by creating statues in their honor. But when has any human gone on without a single disappointing act in an entire lifetime? The easiest way out is then believing and making others believe that there is only one who is perfect and capable of helping us. It is to say that only He is entirely flawless and it is He who will ensure that everything falls into place eventually.

Singing praises of Him thus not only brings peace but also fills the minds of people with positivity and hope. It is the easiest and most convenient way to stay happy even in testing times. So no matter if there is someone sitting afar looking right at us all the time, the concept of God isn't that bad after all. It's only when it gets mixed up with a religion that it gets complicated.