Arranged Marriage: A Scam?

Arranged marriages in India are usually made possible with the divine intervention of people called relatives and friends; mostly by those who hate to see you single and just want to leave a substantial mark on your life (as a savior or a wrecker that's for you to say, much later). In Punjab, such people are called vicholas (the middlemen/women). They are the ones who know both the bride and groom's family somehow and guarantee that the other party is worth being trusted.

But since times have changed and people from the older generation are still being blamed for the unnecessary drama they let loose upon others' houses, not many come out to take that much of a responsibility.

Because obviously, in an arranged marriage, the guy doesn't know the girl and vice versa, and they both don't know what kind of family they're getting attached to for the rest of their lives. It's too much pressure. And a huge leap of faith, so to say.

Why is this method still popular?

Because our parents have spent a lifetime living together, haven't they? Even if they're highly incompatible and fight daily, even if the in-laws are a constant pain in their neck, even if the story of their lives has been more dramatic than the makers of daily soaps could ever come up with, they never thought of getting a divorce. Or maybe they did but couldn't get enough support in the decision to carry it out. A matter to be pondered upon later.

But all in all, most of our uncles and aunts are seemingly happy in their arranged marriages. And that 'Sharma ji ka beta' is also content with his wife (a joke common in India that mocks parents comparing their kids with the neighbors' children). So we can try it too.

Now, most parents have no problem if you find a person of another caste or religion (conditions applied). But if you ask them to find a spouse for you, they'll probably look for someone in their own community, region, etc. Because you can't be in Punjab and guarantee a person sitting in Maharashtra (say) will be good if you have no relatives/friends there. How will you get the 'inquiry' done?

Now inquiry also plays a major role in arranged marriages. Earlier, a book was usually judged by its cover. If you knew someone from your workplace who was nice and decent, you'd agree to get your child married to their house. Because you'd have assumed that this person's child and other family members would be as nice as he/she was. There was also a reluctance to say no to a prospective family if they kept on insisting, even if it meant compromising on many things in the long run. For the person insisting, it was a convenient method.

But those were simpler times, they say. People had to bear with whatever they'd get. Parents were not as approachable either. Once the wedding took place, everything was bound to be blamed on fate.

Today, however, we know the reality of many kids around us whose parents have conveniently assumed that they're pure angels. They would rather put the devil to shame. So you can't just go by their word. You've got to send detectives of your own to verify their remarks. Also, now there isn't that much of a taboo on the word 'divorce'. Today our parents aren't as distant from us as our grandparents used to be with them. So one has got to find a relationship that lasts.

Filters

Apart from the region and community, there are other filters too in the case of arranged marriages. The first filter is the caste and sub-caste. I never really understood it but it has something to do with the immediate maternal and paternal surname. If you're a Dhiman or if your maternal grandfather was a Dhiman, for instance, you can't marry someone with the same surname.

The second filter is of the turban in case you're a Sikh. There are people I know of who were particular about finding a non-turbaned Sikh. My father wanted a guy who not only wore a turban but also never trimmed his beard. Those who did were marked off from the list of candidates on the spot, sometimes even without my knowledge. It was only later when so many of his shortlisted guys turned out to be sore losers that he changed his perspective. Though people my age had also been telling me that a guy whose family visibly looked like my own would make me feel more at home, I didn't know if that was enough to seek in life. I'd seen my fair share of good-looking but flawed families believe in such a simple notion.

The third filter in our case was height. Since I come from a family of tall people, height was important. My sister had time and again said that she wanted a guy in life in whose presence she could wear heels. I'm not much into heels but since I'm an inch or so taller than her also, it was my mother's wish to find a tall and handsome guy for me. And this isn't her fault either, really. Men and women in India have been ingrained in these perfect-looking couples through the ages. Men need to be taller than women, women need to be at least as much or fairer than men, and men need to earn more than women; they both need to basically look good together, even if they seem disappointed.

The next filter was of job. My father, being a businessman, thought people doing regular jobs played it safe. There were no ups and downs for them as they continued to get income at the end of the month (only if he was alive now, during the times of Covid-19). The parents of a friend of mine doing such a job feel she should look for a government employee. A government employee frets because her parents want her to seek another government employee and she hasn't got enough options on her plate to choose from in that case. Doctors and engineers here seek partners from the same profession. And then there are people living in some cities in the Majha region (there was one specific city too but I won't name it). Generalizing would be wrong but every single person from that city we talked to told us they needed a locality and that our city was too far away (though it isn't). It was as if they needed a laborer who wouldn't go back home in times of a pandemic. Who would cook for them?

There was yet another filter. Of Kundli (horoscopes). The people my parents had approached during my sister's time had told them their daughter was a manglik (something wrong with the stars that say you can only marry another manglik to stay healthy and alive). Even though people say they're modern, they become prejudiced and superstitious when it comes to marriages. I was also declared a manglik and people just refused to talk if the gunas on their online chart didn't allow them to. Eventually, my parents also added this to their checklist.

Other Means

Apart from the vichola system, there are various other ways too that come in handy when you've failed to find a spouse for yourself and have to rely on the one your parents approve of.

One way is to get a subscription to a newspaper that you think posts nice matrimonial advertisements. The next step is to call some people up. Initially, when the groom in question was for my sister, my mother would write random names and numbers on anything and everything. She then started maintaining a notebook. The used pages were later torn off and the blank notebook was used again for my case. While in her time people would send emails, during my time WhatsApp was used. Some would send detailed biodata, some would send pictures too, while others would just sit back and hope to see the picture of the girl before moving further. My mother never entertained the latter ones. There was a man or two who, in the garb of finding a daughter-in-law, had started flirting with my mother only. There were others whose children had hardly passed matriculation and their only achievement was that they'd successfully gone abroad. Such people would refuse to answer what their kids did there but would focus on the bands they'd got.

The first guy I'd met in person was based on a newspaper advertisement only. After talking normally about his job and family, he'd asked me how long I'd been looking for a spouse as he'd been meeting women for more than two years now. He'd signed off by telling me to keep looking at other places like him and make a decision at the end of it. The guy probably will call back in ten-fifteen years once he stops getting more calls. He probably buys his socks this way too. There was another guy whose father had talked to my mother and details had been exchanged. Before a meeting could be fixed, he'd found my profile on social media and started liking my public posts one after the other. His father had been shocked on hearing this, almost neglecting his son would stoop so low.

Another way to find someone is through the internet. There're so many matrimonial sites that guarantee to help you get a bride/groom in no time. I, however, had the worst experience there. One guy's parents had told my mom their son had been doing MBA and wasn't interested in getting married right now (though he had an active matrimonial account on the internet). There was another guy who'd been given my contact number by my family since he lived abroad. He'd asked me if he could take a screenshot of my display picture and I'd somehow found him creepy.

There was also a guy with a shady family who kept staring at us like we were aliens when we met them. Totally ignoring the fact that professionally I'd been more successful than he was, all he kept on blabbering was that I needed to lose weight. He'd told me his sister as well as sister-in-law (both housewives) had kept themselves maintained even after pregnancy. He'd even had the audacity to comment on my sister (again, more successful than him). While I wasn't as overweight as he for a moment made me believe I was, his comment really made me realize how rotten society really was. His malnourished family didn't even have the decency to greet my family nicely. All they needed was a godforsaken showpiece for their house.

There was another guy who, on our first meeting, had asked me just one question in particular: how big was my office exactly?

The final straw, however, had been a mother who'd kept asking me how much I would earn once I got married and moved to Mohali with them. She'd kept repeating the question again and again as if it wasn't a daughter-in-law but pocket money she really needed. I've heard of enough cases where women do jobs and manage every single thing at home while the mothers-in-law sit uselessly, supposedly retired, but keep hold of every single penny she earns.

Passing the First Phase

Even if the first meeting goes well, which in my case never did, things can still go messy in the second meeting. Many of my friends complained about people asking for a 'nice' wedding instead of asking for a dowry these days. And by nice, they mean a big-fat Indian wedding where the woman's family is supposed to spend lavishly. My mother had also once scolded such a family, asking them to get lost as politely as she could.

Luckily none of my friends agreed to such terms either.

One such friend, luckily, met a decent guy later and got married. Some are still holding on to hope.

But then there are people like me as well who were told to look for someone within our friend circles. An uncle had told my mother to not trust strangers and to play it safe. He'd told her to go for a decent guy even if he wasn't from our community. And that had hit me hard.

For me, love marriage had never been an option as I didn't have much faith in this flimsy filmy shit. But after wasting time on four useless guys, I'd decided I didn't want my father to face all this after having raised me with dignity and respect. It wasn't for others to tell me how much I'd changed in the past few years. The fear in my father's eyes about my future made me take a stand for myself.

I already had a friend who liked me for who I was, who respected my career choices and encouraged me to grow, one whose parents I was sure were as decent as he told them they were. I was lucky to have found him, even though I'd been neglecting what'd been staring me in my face all along. I'm happy today to have taken the decision.

Though he isn't exactly like my father wanted his son-in-law to be like on the outside, he proved himself to be just like the son he'd always longed to have from the inside. My father spent more than a year as content as he ever could be, before leaving us all alone.

I cannot say if arranged marriages hold any relevance for me now. It's a game only fair, lean, and visibly perfect people should play. For people even slightly flawed as per society's standards, the process of finding a perfect life partner can be traumatic. Choose your cards wisely.

Also read: Is daughter to be taken care of throughout life?