When In Doubt, Blame It On Others

Being active on social media during the COVID-19 days has made me realize more than ever how disoriented some people are in general, having misplaced notions about anything and everything, enjoying and believing in information being served to them on a plate.

Now I don't want to share my opinion on a bunch of Bollywood actors I barely know in person. Because I am not like that far-off relative who has rarely ever met me but has issued a character certificate in my name, kept it on his/her mantelpiece, laminated, ready to show it to the world as the ultimate gossip material he/she has ever held in possession. And I am not even exaggerating. There's so much restlessness in the minds of people that I have decided to try and decode some of their thoughts here.

Because why not? It's not the first time that someone has come out and publicly declared what a saint their kid was and that only his company was to be blamed. But forget about the news reports for now.

Have you ever felt like your world suddenly has changed a lot ever since you've grown up?

Have you ever felt as if the people you thought loved you seem to have turned into some villainous serpents these days?

Is it something to do with you? Or is it their mindset that has changed?

How often have you got such vibes from relatives whose children are your age?

According to me, there are certain kinds of parents who fall under the category of ever-so-restless parents. Their most common traits are as follows:

1. Underestimating Their Child

There are parents who do nothing but compare their children with those of others. No matter how much the child tries, it's never good enough for them. I've seen parents belittling their kids even when they score more than 90 in every single subject; when actually if their own mark sheets are made public, they would pack their bags and leave for Mars and you'll never hear from them again.

I've even witnessed parents who keep pressurizing their kids to do as good as their cousin or another classmate, to be as good or better than them, never really trying to understand their strengths and weaknesses.

I've seen people burdening their kids with their expectations and aspirations, not realizing when they crush those children's dreams in the process.

I've even seen people talking trash about their kids in front of others, thus crushing their confidence and self-worth for life. This is one of the worst ways of parenting I've ever come across.

And the thing is that there is no dearth of such people around us. And we all have witnessed the repercussions of such behavior as well, in one way or the other.

2. Overestimating Their Parenting Skills

There's one thing destroying the life of your child, there's entirely another blaming the destruction on someone else. And there is no age limit to this delusion. It can go on for a lifetime.

I have seen many people around me who started drinking and smoking at a young age. Their parents got to know at a very later stage and blamed it on their immediate friend circle. I have seen men changing girlfriends at the drop of a hat and then later going back to harass their exes for no reason whatsoever; while their parents proudly strut around, pretending nothing like this ever happened. Even if they do agree that their child did it, they find someone else to blame it on, sometimes the one being harassed only.

Wives are obviously blamed all their lives even if the husband changes something as insignificant as his hairstyle after marriage. Married women are often termed a witch (jaadugarni, daayan in India) by the man's family, to add to the dramatic performance. Maybe their son was always sick and tired of their parent's behavior and controlling nature, and now finally he has started living according to his own terms. But no, even that is hard to digest. Now obviously, there are exceptions. But as I mentioned above, I am talking about a particular category of parents only, not all of them.

Now there is someone I knew who misbehaved with his in-laws and said things no man in his right mind would ever think of saying. But his mother supported her son anyway, telling everyone who asked that her son was a saint and it was his wife who had been a bad influence on him. Because it is easy to blame the wife/friend/relative than accept that your parenting has been flawed.

3. Taking the Long-Brewed Jealousy Out

Now there are elders in my own life I'd thought loved me. But the recent events have taught me that they never did. They made it clear to me that they had secretly envied me all my life, trying their children to do better than me so that they could make my parents feel like incompetent losers. There always was a secret battle behind my back, and I never even got to know the rules.

Also read: How to Fight in an Educated Way

The thing about such people is that they are so venomous, they kill your relationship with their kids just because they are unable to handle their horrible inferiority complex. When things don't go as they'd planned, such people change the rules of the game altogether. They go down to the level of ruining your image in front of others, spreading fake news about you, and trying to break your spirit with hurtful remarks even. Such people, who'd once held you in their arms as a babe, wouldn't even flinch after throwing you under a bus, given the chance.

And don't believe them even if they come back later, trying to apologize for their behavior, blaming it on their high blood pressure or something. They pick their moments wisely, when you're alone and at your weakest. They won't spoil their image in the process. They'll let you weigh their words and when you answer back, they'll turn on the live telecast.

It's not your fault their child didn't win their stupid race for them, but they'll continue to blame you in their twisted mind of theirs. And you know there's nothing you can do about it.

4. Believing in Others' Kids Too Much

Have you ever met elders who used to praise you far too much (even when you barely did anything to get their attention), telling your parents they'd like to take you home or marry their child to you someday? Have you ever seen people talking highly of you in front of their children? Have you seen their children looking at you as a nuisance? How did it make you feel? Another lost friendship, maybe?

And then there is this Bollywood version of it like the storyline of movies such as 'Aa Ab Laut Chalen'. There's a guy who has incorporated every horrible habit known to man and then his parents meet a lovely girl, full of life. They decide she is the one who can make him a better person and boom! There goes her life. 'Pardes' was another such movie. Same concept. Even though in these very movies the said damsels end up finding another man to get rid of the impending distress, in real life, there isn't always a happy ending to this. There rather is a lifetime of being beaten and tortured by the inebriated husband.

Now I don't have kids of my own yet. But I do know that I cannot guarantee how they'll turn out to be. I am not 100% like my parents. My personality hasn't developed entirely because of the influence of a single living person. I didn't grow up in a box. I've heard, witnessed, and handled a lot of things and every incident in my life has changed me in one way or the other.

Also, there have been people in my life in the past I thought I could change for the better. I never succeeded. And I realized it the hard way a long time ago that you can never get a better person out of someone hell-bent on destroying his/her life. You cannot make them study more, you cannot help them choose better friends, and you cannot even make them value you if they do not intend to do that on their own.

Blaming others is just a ruse to hide your imperfections and mistakes along the way, a way to avoid accepting the fact that your child turned out to be his/her person and not what you'd projected him/her to be. You can't be a horrible person yourself and expect your kids to be nice and fluffy. You can't spoil your child with stuff he/she doesn't need to make up for your lost childhood and then expect him/her to have the same values as you.

Don't jump the gun. Sit back and analyze. Happy parenting to you!

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