On First Father's Day Without Him

Two years ago, I'd found another dad in the form of my father-in-law. This year I've lost my own dad. Though I love them both, I have to talk about the one who's gone. Because I can't tell you how desperately I want to wish him today.

It's because of him and him only that I've realized the value of words and of silent expressions.

No, he wasn't a great orator. Nor did he write anything much.

But he'd had a habit of borrowing his words very carefully.

He'd spend hours picking up a card with beautiful words written on them.

So every time he'd give one to me, I'd know that he meant it all.

He wouldn't tell me how much I meant to him;

but he secretly worried always what he'd do once I was gone too.

I know this because mom told me so.

And his secret was safe with me.

So I didn't mind people asking me why I tagged him along to drop me at my workplace, once I was back in my hometown.

He'd formed a routine and was happy to accompany me.

The workplace wasn't far, and mom and dad would enjoy the car ride.

It was a happy time. Everything was quite back to normal.

I knew it all was short-lived. But I was happy anyway.

And I went with him to the hospital for his regular checkups too.

Now I don't say that to boast of anything.

He'd done far more for me, been everywhere with me.

I still see him in dreams: at times standing with me as I wait for public transport, at times sitting on a chair as I wait for our turn in a hospital.

I'd wasted years away from home while he suffered from his disease silently.

I often wasn't even told of his trips to the hospitals.

I've spent a year and a half after my marriage, worrying about that ever happening again.

I've had a fair share of bad dreams about him too, in the past many years.

My dreams told me I was subconsciously worried constantly about someone either hurting him (both mentally and physically), or him passing away.

I kept it all to myself, fearing that telling them aloud would set the demons free.

I again in no sense mean that my pain is any more than any of you reading all this now. There're dark thoughts my mom, and my grandparents, among others have been grappling with too, ever since he's gone. But there's hardly anything I can do to take that pain away.

The last time that I'd gone home, my grandma had held my hand and didn't want to let go.

She'd told me to give solace to my mom.

She'd said they all missed dad dearly.

And though she couldn't find anything else to say, that was the deepest conversation I'd had with her in years.

I see my dad's face reflected in that of my grandpa. Had he been granted more years, they'd have looked alike.

He met me with open arms too, just as he always does.

And an unsaid fear escaped my soul. I'm afraid to share that too.

Life's short, and life's vain. You can call it all you want.

But when all's lost, it's the happy memories that come back to you to haunt.

While we were set to go, I dreaded walking out.

Because dad wasn't to be there. Standing on the door, giving instructions, passing notes. Waving us goodbye.

There're so many mistakes I've made in life, so many ways that I must've hurt him. But we all do that. It's an inherent flaw.

No matter what you do, there'll be remorse left for what you didn't, couldn't hadn't done.

I don't say that I did for him more than what he did for me. Nobody could have.

He was a person of another world, not at all like us.

He never bothered about his own needs, he rarely bought himself new clothes even.

But all our demands were fulfilled somehow. I can never pay him back.

A few months ago when it was still quite cold, we'd got some work to do. It was a two-hour drive and we had to go twice.

My father had insisted to go for the first time. He'd slept sitting there, so I thought we shouldn't disturb him again. But before we even woke up the next time, he was all suited up to go.

It was all for his favorite jaggery tea on the way and a chance to spend more time with us.

It was these little things that made him happy. And I did achieve something in life, I agree.

But he's gone too soon. There're millions of things still left undone.

There're times I don't know what to do with life without him.

There're times I wish he'd had a phone there wherever he's gone.

There're times I wish all this was but a cruel joke.

There're times I want to rewind my life.

So love your parents as they're still with you.

You can't replace them with anyone.

Also read: Death and all the drama related to it